Vegas...what to say about Vegas...

Las Vegas…what do I write about Las Vegas….

Las Vegas is like a lucid dream, wrapped in bacon and dipped in truffle oil, then sold to you for $113...

It is the most amazingly superficial, and yet strangely satisfying place I have ever been.  The drinks all seem to be made with a little something extra that suspends the real world, or at least makes it hazy… and the food, well the food seemed to come straight from a show on the Food Network or Travel Channel with ingredients and names that made me nervous to order but excited to taste.  Time was twisted until finally I just gave up adjusting my watch and referred to my cell phone for the "local" time.  I'm not sure if there is actually a clock in public view anywhere in the city.  The 3 hour difference was a killer.  I'm not a gambler...so I really can't say much about the casinos.

The behemoths of the strip are like marble and neon alters to the egos of modern men, breathtakingly over the top and at the same time, comically fake.  I made it a point to see as much of the “TV Vegas” as I could, and I still only really saw the postcard version of this strange amusement park of a city.

We stayed at the Cosmopolitan, which is not a “theme” hotel, unless you consider "swanky" a theme. It was beautifully indulgent.  Every flat surface from the lobby pillars to the closet walls and elevators are covered in either high-definition flat screens with video art and advertisements playing, designer wallpaper or amazing original artwork.  Just walking around the immense common areas felt like being immersed in an ultra-hip version of the museum of modern art…only with the faint sound of slot machines in the distance.  The room was very well appointed and comfortable, modern and clean.  We felt right at home and thoroughly enjoyed the view from the 36^th floor and the accommodations…complete with a giant glass-walled shower the most comfortable robe I have ever had the pleasure to put on.

The fountains at the Bellagio were very cool at night...they lost their luster a bit during daylight hours when you could see what was actually at the bottom of the "pond"...

New York New York was my favorite of the theme palaces, fun and frantic and very much like the facade downtown at an amusement park, only with much better food options.

We walked the street both during the day and at night and I was amazed at just how different the city is when the sun goes down.  Of course the card flipping army never sleeps.  The “escort” cards being flipped inches from your face as you try to stay on the sidewalk is something the city could certainly do without.  They were relentless, and they came in all ages.  At one corner you had grandma peddling flesh in her orange “Girls Delivered Directly to Your Room in 20 Minutes” shirt over her dirty hoodie and once you crossed the intersection you were greeted by 12 year old grandson in the same uniform.  Of course both were equally adept at the strange flipping technique…but I think grandson had more panache.  It didn’t matter if you were a single male walking along or a part of a group…or even a couple nicely dressed to take in dinner and a show, they were there, by the dozens, to distract you and force you off the sidewalk.  At first it was funny.  After the first night, it was flat out obnoxious.  Vegas needs to do something about this.  The souvenir shops even made light of it, selling the brightly colored “Girls Delivered” shirts to those who wanted to take that memory home with them…me, well I hope to forget it eventually.  I was proud of myself though, I didn’t end up with even one of the “playing cards” stuffed in my pocket.  Small victories.

The food was fantastic.  The Wicked Spoon buffet was a wonderful example of paying what seemed like  way too much for breakfast, but then actually getting your money’s worth.  Delicious.  The Sunday brunch is even better, though you pay nearly double ridiculous for it.

We hit a few steakhouses, Mario Batali’s B&B (where we had the most amazing grilled octopus on the planet), and had breakfast at Hard Rock Café on the first day they had ever served it.  Great food and dining experiences incredibly delivered and painfully overpriced…but somehow almost justifiable.

The shows on the other hand were amazing…and worth every penny.  The Blue Man Group was an overwhelming hour and a half of visual, audio and emotional stimulation.  It was interactive and just downright entertaining from the hilarious digital message board introduction to the tidal wave of toilet paper at the end.  Pure entertainment art at its best.  

Cirque du Soliel’s Zumanity was just as amazing, if not even more stimulating to all of the senses…it was burlesque meets Vaudeville all wrapped up in a circus act complete with high wire acts, minus the elephants, sort of.  The performers were all breathtakingly beautiful and what they could do in their performances was simply stunning.  It certainly was not intended for anyone with a delicate sense of “decency”, but at the same time was never raunchy or vulgar in any way.  It was an exploration of both human sensuality, humor and acrobatics and was by far the best show I have ever seen of its kind…which is easy because I don’t really think there are any other shows of its kind out there.

Overall I had 2 days of work in Las Vegas and a day and a half of play…and that seemed about right.

I would go back…but not for awhile.  From what I have seen pretty much everything in Las Vegas is created with a pretty short shelf life so,  if I wait a few years it will all seem brand new again…and perhaps they will have done something about the card flippers.

Up and Away Jr Birdmen

My brain is a 12 year old bully in the playground of my mind. It formulates the worst possible idea or thought at the most inappropriate time just to get a rise out of my sensible side. I have tried to talk nicely to it. I have tried to make it watch the Saturday afternoon kid’s anti-bullying programs on PBS…it just won’t listen. It’s like Fight Club without punching myself in the face.

I’ve learned to control this over the years. For the most part. When I have a board meeting approaching I have learned to shut the thoughts about the board turning against me into the board and I celebrating a great year at the annual meeting…in our underwear. Hey, when you have an active imagination that works against you, you have to give it something to chew on. Like throwing your dog a rawhide so he won’t eat the ottoman.

At any rate, when I was asked last year if I would be willing to come out to the National Marketing and Business Development Conference for the Credit Union National Association and present my credit union 101 speech, I was extremely honored. I said certainly and instantly felt recharged. What I was working so hard to accomplish in my little CU was being noticed on a National level. I had attended this conference back in 2008 in Nashville and I knew that it was THE conference of the year for CU marketers. Then I realized that the 2011 event was to be held in Las Vegas. I can’t drive to Las Vegas. I could not even rationally justify taking a train to Las Vegas. Even Megabus is not a viable option to travel from NE Ohio to Las Vegas. If I were to accept this great honor of getting to speak at the “big show” I would need to …..fly. I am irrationally scared of air travel.

Keep your statistics to yourself. I know that air travel is safer than driving by the numbers. I know that the 6 or so hours 32,000 feet up in a tin can to get from Cleveland to Las Vegas was my only option vs. the 35 or so hours in a car. I was in a tight spot. This was in December. My bully of a brain would have nearly 4 months to beat the snot out of the nice little college prep side of my brain. And boy did he ever. Over the course of time I lost countless hours of sleep. Wrote my will. Beefed up my life insurance. Hugged my kids at random times for no apparent reason at all. Woke my kids up in the middle of the night just to have the excuse to crawl in bed with them to get them back to sleep…all with the damn Alanis Morissette song in my head...

“Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly,He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye,He waited his whole damn life to take that flight,And as the plane crashed down he thought,"Well isn't this nice..." And isn't it ironic... don't you think…” 

In the 2 weeks prior to the trip had I not offered to my lovely wife to make this a much needed getaway for the 2 of us as well as a business trip, I would have come up with a random illness or emergency and cancelled. I figured it wouldn’t much matter to CUNA either way. If I got on a plane to fly out there I would certainly end up in the desert in a fiery ball of plane and people before ever plugging in my laptop to the projector, if I cancelled ahead of time at least they might have time to find an alternative speaker.

But I didn’t cancel. I couldn’t. My overactive sense of responsibility and my overpowering need to NOT disappoint my wife, who knew how desperately she and I both needed to escape with each other for a bit, would overthrow the bully and the terror that gripped my brain. And I am SO glad they did.

Our flights out here were certainly not what I would consider fun, but I managed to act like a brave little soldier and not rock back and forth chanting “we’re all gonna die” the whole time. I actually turned it into a game with my brain. Every time Alanis started singing I forced myself to do something that made it seem like I was enjoying the experience. After a few hundred times she quit singing. The flights were on time, the American Airlines folks were all very professional and friendly. It actually went well.

I am sitting now in a very nice room at The Cosmopolitan. My beautiful wife is sleeping. My presentations went VERY well on Thursday and Friday. I got to meet some fantastic CU leaders and got some great information to take back to my own shop. We went out last night and experienced the Blue Man Group and some fantastic food... Life is good.

I’ll write later about what I think of the Vegas experience…but the fear of flying thing…I think I have managed to stuff it down, out of the way for the moment. Until tomorrow afternoon at least, when it’s time to fly back….

Shut up Alanis...