Friday, January 29, 2010

Love & marriage... go together like a horse & carriage...


I love my wife.  I really do.  I’m not just saying that out of obligation.  She is a great mother.  She is a fantastic nurse.  She bakes delicious cookies.  But the ugly truth is, after nearly 11 years of marriage being able to say that this is the "ideal" dream of what I thought married life would be like when I went ring shopping...just doesn't feel honest. 

My wife spends so much time and energy chasing our kids, doing our laundry, getting our groceries and then turning around to chase the kids again that frankly there’s not much of her left to plug into the wife role...whatever that is,  let alone to be the scantily clad fun-loving confidant and plaything that all foolish husbands anticipate their wives will always be....

Now, I’m not ignorant enough to stop there.  She's not the only one on this team... 

I am a good father. (I have a t-shirt to prove it)  I am a very good cook.  I am a pretty good boss and credit union dude.  But I can’t honestly say I am the world’s greatest husband most days, in fact some days I just plain stink at it.  I do try.  I do most of the normal husband duties, plus a lot of the cooking and some other household helping...but I have so little left at the end of the day that any extra energy is spent being mad at the fact that all of it was so exhausting and…I didn’t even get a thank you I do realize that no “thank you” is really ever necessary…it is just a guy thing.  For some reason we are hardwired to think that any time we put away the dishes from the dishwasher or fold a load of laundry we should get a standing ovation.  Wives, I realize that this is childish, but the truth is we just can’t help it, we’re like dogs, we need to hear “good boy” and get a treat or we feel unappreciated.  Just reality, not an excuse, we're dogs.

So, the fact that I can honestly say that my wife and I are not doing our best every day for one another in the marriage department should be some shocking revelation, but it’s not.  We both know it.  We both resent each other at times for it on some level.  We both feel a little guilty about it.  We both know that it makes all of the other trials and tribulations of parenthood harder.  We both realize that this just isn’t much fun sometimes...the trouble is, to fulfill every other obligation in front of us, to make sure that all the mouths are fed and butts in clean undies, we have to make sacrifices, lots and lots and lots of them.

Once habits are formed it gets tough to change.  Like a morning ritual or the nightly routine it seems like a pattern we are just destined to repeat…over and over and over and over and over and over.  The kids drain every once of the good stuff from us and we drag what's left up to bed and plop down beside each other.  Does that mean I have given up hope on having a thriving and fulfilling relationship with my wife, partner and friend, hell no,   and that's what makes all of the difference.  We're both committed to this for the duration, as long as we both shall live.

Marriage gets hard.  It is not always pretty.  It’s rarely like the movies, unless you’re watching the War of the Roses or Cheaper by the Dozen.  But the struggle is worth it.  When it works it’s worth every tear and tantrum.  When you can sit together in a quiet corner of some “kid-free” restaurant somewhere and look at each other and still manage to smile, you have won a significant battle in the war to make it work.  

It seems like we've hit the point in our lives when about half the marriages around us are in some stage of ruin.  Many have pulled the trigger and are done.  Some are wavering and threatening.  A few are fighting for what’s left.  It is not easy.  Granted, I do believe that some people just should not be together to begin with, but that's a different problem for a different story.  Whatever the case,  I get it, sometimes it is just easier to walk away.  That does not mean however that it is what’s best. It‘s much easier for me to sleep in than to drag myself out of bed and into the gym at 6am.  That doesn’t do much for my health or physique.  It’s much easier to just roll over and start to snore than to lie in bed and reconnect with a tired spouse.  That doesn’t do much for the marriage or our intimacy. 
I pray each day for God to strengthen the bond I have with my wife.  I pray for better communication.  I even pray sometimes for more intimacy or enough energy to even think about sex. (ok, I'm a guy...it doesn't take any energy to THINK about it)  At this point I’m not too proud to ask God for what I want.   I have been surprised again and again at what He will deliver.  I know that He put my wife and I together for a reason.  I look into the beautiful eyes of 3 reasons each morning and thank Him for our family.  The foundation of our family, no matter how you look at it though, is our marriage.  I guess my whole point of this blog today is that I think too many couples forget that.  Too many husbands forget that once in awhile, for no reason, some fresh flowers should find their way to the kitchen table and the dishes should find their way to the cupboards, with no "thank you" expected.  Too many wives forget that every once in a while an unexpected kiss or a well planned "date night" makes all the difference, and can help remind us men that we should still be gentlemen.  It is worth the work, it is worth the time and it is worth the struggle.  I love my wife.  I love being married to my wife.  I love the fact that she is willing to try and that she is willing to allow me the chance to try (and fail sometimes) as well.  

Falling in love was easy.  Staying in love is work, but the reward is SO worth the effort.  Some day we may even get to the point where we can both honestly say we are GREAT at being a husband or wife... but in the meantime, I am just honored to know that we are in the half of the statistics that is still holding on to the hope for that quiet evening, glass of wine and silence…because neither of us have a clue what to say when we are not talking to or about the kids… ahhhh…good stuff. 

Saturday, January 23, 2010

And then there's Gary Busey.

What a busy year 2010 has turned out to be so far!  I have had no time to sit and digest all that these first 23 days have brought...I will, and then I will write about it.  This morning however as a listen to the sounds of my family slowly awakening, one by one throughout the hall and rooms behind me I think of one thing.  Gary Busey.  Please don't ask me why, I have no answer for you.  I myself do not know when and where the Gary Busey thing started.  Was it Predator?  Point Break?  Whatever it was it was certainly solidified by the short-lived but crazy "I'm with Busey" that Comedy Central produced back in 2003.  At any rate, when life gets crazy...when I think the edges are starting to unravel, I think of Gary Busey.  If God can hold together a basket case like him...there's hope for me too!



"Listen...listen... I could snap your sternum with one blow with my forehead to your chest...I could raise my head up and loosen your teeth... knock you down and grab you by the lip and then pull you up and tell you I'll be right back.  But while we're here we're all looking for the art within ourselves..gravity, inertia, and physics...its like a round robin. I'm cleansing you...in the name of art and everything that art stands for..remember this, art is only the search..its not the final form." -Gary Busey



Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Gonna Steal Time from the Faulty Plan...Phish

After years out of the limelight and out of the studio Phish comes back with a set of songs that speak to a generation that is uncomfortable in our own skin as 30 somethings the same way they did when we were 20 somethings showing way too much of our skin...good stuff.  If you have the means to give the new CD "Joy" a listen...do it.  Here are the lyrics of one of the best songs on the disk, "Stealing time from the Faulty Plan."





Got a blank space where my mind should be



Got a Clif Bar and some cold green tea


Got clouds that seem to follow me


Got strange demands piled up on me


Got memories


Memories of being free






Gonna steal time from the faulty plan


Gonna act as though I’m still a man


Gonna give you one last chance to see


Gonna shrug demands off of me


Gonna dream


Dream of being free

Monday, January 4, 2010

Christmas...New Year's... and now for something completely different.

Ahh...Christmas was wonderful this year.  As always it went way too fastIt always feels like a wedding.  SO much prep work and planning and spending and then finally it's here and POOF...gone.  New Years is always just an afterthought, like a badly planned honeymoon after a stellar wedding.  But it still makes me a little sad to know that yet another one has come and gone.  I already start missing it once the last of the giftwrap is obliterated.


But now...with all the "umpff" that comes with anything new and shiny here we are in a new decade.  The beginning of a new year.  New energy, new opportunity, new sweaters and if you were good, maybe a new toothbrush from your stocking.  I can't believe I never caught on to that one.  It should have been a dead giveaway during those suspicious years when I wasn't too sure about Santa.  Elves are in the toy business, not the oral hygiene business.  Well, except for the dentist elf that hung around with Rudolf and the misfit toys.  As much of a Christmas movie geek as I am I can't believe I can't rattle off the name...

I'd like to think though that the fresh feeling of the new year is more than just holiday trappings or a temporary high.  I hope that unlike the decorated tree and the perpetually disapproving deer that is still ablaze on my front lawn*  that 2010 and all the "new" it brings with it will stick beyond a season. I am optimistic that the coming year will be a start of something good.  I'm hopeful that unlike the years in the late 80's, 2010 will be a year remembered on its own, and for good reasons.  The start of a new decade seems like a great time to shake off the old habits, time to try a new view.  Time to throw out the proverbial underwear of the past decade and tear open a brand new pack.  Fitting to note that new underwear, apparently now only sold in bulk packs of 20 pairs, is the ONE thing that is not 70% off at the department stores right now...even they get it.  We want fresh. 



*My light-up deer whose head turns from side to side...I explain later that I am willing to help people catch up.

I for one have some things I am kicking off for this new year.  I wouldn't necessarily call them resolutions...but here they are.  Enjoy.


1. I will no longer let the few naysayers in my life control the volume of my voice or the level of my enthusiasm.



2. I will utilize my resources and not feel a damn bit guilty for it.

3. I will not dummy myself down for the benefit of those around me.  I will gladly catch up those who fall behind, that's different. 


4. I will drink more water, more wine and less of anything that has more than four ingredients.

5. I will respect the people around me and remind myself daily that even though some are challenging...God didn't really create them on an "off"day.  God has no "off" days.


6. I will get back down to the weight I was when I married my wife.  I'm not sure she will let me wear my old clothes once they fit again, but that is really not the point.  I guess.   Now that I am closer to 40 than 30 it is decreasingly pleasant to look 10 years older than I am.  In the words of the Mike Meyers SNL skit "Middle Aged Man"..."I'm working on it!"


7. I will start spending time alone.  With myself, with my thoughts, with God.  It isn't that God doesn't speak to us anymore, it's that we have forgotten how to listen.


8.  I will be a more focused and more intentional father.  Spontaneous drum sessions are fantastic, but so is teaching my 6 year old to catch a pop fly.


9.  I will be a better friend to those I am fortunate enough to have around me.  This will take some sacrifice I know...going golfing instead of cleaning the garage or sharing a couple of beers or a concert with someone instead of reorganizing the attic...it will be a challenge, but I think I can do it.


10.  I will write about my life.  I will sit down and write about the crazy things that happen in my life and the crazy thoughts that go through my head.  And if I am really lucky someday I will look at this and laugh.


Let's make this a great new decade!

Happy New Year!!!