My wife spends so much time and energy chasing our kids, doing our laundry, getting our groceries and then turning around to chase the kids again that frankly there’s not much of her left to plug into the wife role...whatever that is, let alone to be the scantily clad fun-loving confidant and plaything that all foolish husbands anticipate their wives will always be....
Now, I’m not ignorant enough to stop there. She's not the only one on this team...
I am a good father. (I have a t-shirt to prove it) I am a very good cook. I am a pretty good boss and credit union dude. But I can’t honestly say I am the world’s greatest husband most days, in fact some days I just plain stink at it. I do try. I do most of the normal husband duties, plus a lot of the cooking and some other household helping...but I have so little left at the end of the day that any extra energy is spent being mad at the fact that all of it was so exhausting and…I didn’t even get a thank you. I do realize that no “thank you” is really ever necessary…it is just a guy thing. For some reason we are hardwired to think that any time we put away the dishes from the dishwasher or fold a load of laundry we should get a standing ovation. Wives, I realize that this is childish, but the truth is we just can’t help it, we’re like dogs, we need to hear “good boy” and get a treat or we feel unappreciated. Just reality, not an excuse, we're dogs.
So, the fact that I can honestly say that my wife and I are not doing our best every day for one another in the marriage department should be some shocking revelation, but it’s not. We both know it. We both resent each other at times for it on some level. We both feel a little guilty about it. We both know that it makes all of the other trials and tribulations of parenthood harder. We both realize that this just isn’t much fun sometimes...the trouble is, to fulfill every other obligation in front of us, to make sure that all the mouths are fed and butts in clean undies, we have to make sacrifices, lots and lots and lots of them.
Once habits are formed it gets tough to change. Like a morning ritual or the nightly routine it seems like a pattern we are just destined to repeat…over and over and over and over and over and over. The kids drain every once of the good stuff from us and we drag what's left up to bed and plop down beside each other. Does that mean I have given up hope on having a thriving and fulfilling relationship with my wife, partner and friend, hell no, and that's what makes all of the difference. We're both committed to this for the duration, as long as we both shall live.
Once habits are formed it gets tough to change. Like a morning ritual or the nightly routine it seems like a pattern we are just destined to repeat…over and over and over and over and over and over. The kids drain every once of the good stuff from us and we drag what's left up to bed and plop down beside each other. Does that mean I have given up hope on having a thriving and fulfilling relationship with my wife, partner and friend, hell no, and that's what makes all of the difference. We're both committed to this for the duration, as long as we both shall live.
Marriage gets hard. It is not always pretty. It’s rarely like the movies, unless you’re watching the War of the Roses or Cheaper by the Dozen. But the struggle is worth it. When it works it’s worth every tear and tantrum. When you can sit together in a quiet corner of some “kid-free” restaurant somewhere and look at each other and still manage to smile, you have won a significant battle in the war to make it work.
It seems like we've hit the point in our lives when about half the marriages around us are in some stage of ruin. Many have pulled the trigger and are done. Some are wavering and threatening. A few are fighting for what’s left. It is not easy. Granted, I do believe that some people just should not be together to begin with, but that's a different problem for a different story. Whatever the case, I get it, sometimes it is just easier to walk away. That does not mean however that it is what’s best. It‘s much easier for me to sleep in than to drag myself out of bed and into the gym at 6am. That doesn’t do much for my health or physique. It’s much easier to just roll over and start to snore than to lie in bed and reconnect with a tired spouse. That doesn’t do much for the marriage or our intimacy.
It seems like we've hit the point in our lives when about half the marriages around us are in some stage of ruin. Many have pulled the trigger and are done. Some are wavering and threatening. A few are fighting for what’s left. It is not easy. Granted, I do believe that some people just should not be together to begin with, but that's a different problem for a different story. Whatever the case, I get it, sometimes it is just easier to walk away. That does not mean however that it is what’s best. It‘s much easier for me to sleep in than to drag myself out of bed and into the gym at 6am. That doesn’t do much for my health or physique. It’s much easier to just roll over and start to snore than to lie in bed and reconnect with a tired spouse. That doesn’t do much for the marriage or our intimacy.
I pray each day for God to strengthen the bond I have with my wife. I pray for better communication. I even pray sometimes for more intimacy or enough energy to even think about sex. (ok, I'm a guy...it doesn't take any energy to THINK about it) At this point I’m not too proud to ask God for what I want. I have been surprised again and again at what He will deliver. I know that He put my wife and I together for a reason. I look into the beautiful eyes of 3 reasons each morning and thank Him for our family. The foundation of our family, no matter how you look at it though, is our marriage. I guess my whole point of this blog today is that I think too many couples forget that. Too many husbands forget that once in awhile, for no reason, some fresh flowers should find their way to the kitchen table and the dishes should find their way to the cupboards, with no "thank you" expected. Too many wives forget that every once in a while an unexpected kiss or a well planned "date night" makes all the difference, and can help remind us men that we should still be gentlemen. It is worth the work, it is worth the time and it is worth the struggle. I love my wife. I love being married to my wife. I love the fact that she is willing to try and that she is willing to allow me the chance to try (and fail sometimes) as well.
Falling in love was easy. Staying in love is work, but the reward is SO worth the effort. Some day we may even get to the point where we can both honestly say we are GREAT at being a husband or wife... but in the meantime, I am just honored to know that we are in the half of the statistics that is still holding on to the hope for that quiet evening, glass of wine and silence…because neither of us have a clue what to say when we are not talking to or about the kids… ahhhh…good stuff.
I actually do playfully tell my husband "good boy!" when he does the dishes. Then he sticks out his tongue at me. But he keeps doing the dishes, so I guess it's thanks enough.:-) Nothing can truly prepare you for marriage, every day you learn something (hopefully) about yourself or your partner. A million choices are made which influence the flow of the relationship. But yeah, it's totally worth it, and i wouldn't give up on it for anything.
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